as a gardener and a mother.
Mistakes of the last 24 hours:
left the mint and the thyme out on the back deck and they are black and mushy today.
screamed at my 12 year old daughter during a basketball game.
So, I cut the herbs down to the green and put them back in the window. As I held the dead cuttings in my hand, I thought, that's exactly what I feel like, inside.
Why did I do it? It was their first game and everyone was so nervous. She took that ball over her head and whipped it across the court in such a way that a grown man couldn't catch it...
What are you doing??? I screamed at her.
She turned and looked at me and in that moment, I let her down.
I want her to know that I will let her down, again, in our lifetimes. I am sorry, Lou, but I am not perfect. I have a big mouth, sweetie.
You are my wonderful gift from God. I want you to know that you can count on me to be on your side.
The voice that came out of my mouth sounded like that parent we've all heard at games. That shrill sarcastic know-it-all.
They lost the game by 30 points.
The 35 minute ride home was tense and made worse by the driving rain storm. My mouth was dry as Jeff drove home, I tried to make small talk, but nobody was interested.
I had that parent that pointed out all my mistakes. She never praised my attempt at art, none of our graded papers went on the fridge. She was cold and drunk and emotionally absent, but physically abusive. I would cry myself to sleep and promise God I would do better for my kids, if I ever had them.
He gave me not one, but 2 bright and beautiful children. I have dedicated my life to them, really. I am a fairly strict parent, but they know I will be there for them. I have gone on every field trip and several camping trips. I am the parent that drives the friends, too.
So, I lean on my record for redemption. I promise to do better tomorrow, and all the tomorrows.
It's little consolation as I hear her cry herself to sleep while the thyme and mint slowly die on the deck.